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Have you ever found yourself saying, “Calm down!” to your child, only for them to become even more upset?
When children or young people are overwhelmed, frightened or frustrated, they are often unable to calm themselves down independently. This is where co-regulation becomes so important. By staying calm and providing support, you can help your child feel safe enough for their emotions to settle.
Co-regulation is the process of helping a child or young person manage their emotions by sharing your calmness, reassurance and support. It is not about stopping emotions or making a child or young person behave in a certain way. Instead, it is about helping them move from feeling overwhelmed to feeling safe and regulated.
When they are little, children naturally rely on adults to help them regulate their emotions, and many neurodivergent children and young people continue to need this support for longer. This is not because they are “spoilt” or “too dependent” rather their brains may simply need more help managing big feelings.
When a child or young person is distressed, the parts of the brain responsible for thinking, reasoning and problem-solving are less accessible. During these moments, they are not choosing to be difficult or ignoring instructions. They are responding to stress.
Trying to reason with a child or young person who is overwhelmed, asking lots of questions or expecting them to explain their behaviour often increases their distress.
By co-regulating first, you help your child or young person feel safe. Once they are calm, they are much more able to communicate, learn and reflect on what happened.
Co-regulation will look different for every child or young person, but it may include:
The goal is not to stop the emotion quickly but to help your child or young person feel supported while it passes.
Some children and young people seek hugs or physical comfort when they are upset, while others find touch overwhelming. Some may want to talk straight away, while others need quiet time before they are ready.
Getting to know what helps your child or young person feel safe can make co-regulation more effective. Over time, you may begin to notice patterns in what they need during different situations.
Looking after yourself
Co-regulation can be difficult, especially if you are feeling stressed, tired or overwhelmed yourself. It is completely understandable if you sometimes find it hard to stay calm.
Looking after your own wellbeing is an important part of supporting your child or young person. Taking a moment to breathe, asking another trusted adult for help or stepping away briefly (if it is safe) can make it easier to return feeling more regulated yourself.
Remember, you do not have to be calm all of the time. What matters most is repairing the relationship afterwards if things do not go as planned.
Children are not born knowing how to manage their emotions. They learn these skills through repeated experiences of being supported by calm, responsive adults.
Over time, many children or young people begin to use the strategies that have been modelled for them. This gradual process helps them develop their own self-regulation skills.
Progress is rarely linear, and some days will feel harder than others. Every moment of connection and support helps build your child or young person’s confidence that they are safe, understood and not facing their big feelings alone.
Supporting a child or young person through big emotions can be challenging, but you do not have to get it right every time. By offering connection, patience and understanding, you are helping your child and young person develop emotional skills that will benefit them throughout their life.